I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize