I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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