The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
