I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
