Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
