I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
