goodnight i made you a song goodbye
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
