if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
