I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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