You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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