Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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