if i can run in heels then i can drive
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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