I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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