i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My feet surprised me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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