I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
