My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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