Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
