just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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