its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
