I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
