Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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