An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
