this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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