I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
