I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
