Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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