Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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