You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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