I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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