I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
