dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
