Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
