i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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