I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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