you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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