I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
