I think I died a long time ago.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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