vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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