you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
