If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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