foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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