you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
