my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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