Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
