remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
