she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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