ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
