mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
