Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
