It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
