i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I love you. Go after that dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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