Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
