he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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