Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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