I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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