I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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