I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
