Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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