I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
